I grew up with a frugal father. We had money, but in my father’s mind, it was only there to be spent on the basics, the fundamentals, and what we needed to survive.

With this came immense feelings of guilt whenever I wanted to spend money on something enjoyable for its own sake. And that feeling (and the behaviors that went along with it) lasted well into my adult years, even after I accumulated a sufficient amount of money.

Many years ago, when we were looking for a house, my former wife wanted to spend a little bit more than I had planned on a place with a large, beautiful garden. I couldn’t see the point. Neither of us were gardeners (at least not at the time), and it felt like it was something that was only going to cost more money in maintenance fees.

I remember sitting alone, wrestling with my thoughts. My stomach felt like it was twisted in knots. How was I going to tell her we weren’t going to buy this house she had her heart set on?

What didn’t make any sense to me though, was that by this time in my life, I could afford the house even with the extra maintenance fees. I knew it would make my wife happy. And deep down, I knew that a large garden would bring many benefits.

Yet, I was struggling because of this belief that I learned in childhood - money is only there to be spent on what’s needed, not to be enjoyed.

But do you want to know one of the most ironic things about this situation I’d found myself in?

The reason I could afford the house was because I’d made my money as founding CEO at Abacus, a wealth management company that was founded on Buddhist principles, one of which is prioritizing joy.

Part of this means spending the money we’ve earned on things that make us happy.

For years, I‘d been telling my clients that when we let ourselves enjoy the wealth we’ve earned, we’re actually likely to have more money. This is because when we spend money in moderation, we decrease the fear that results from hoarding or overspending. And with less fear, we tend to make better financial decisions.

Yet, here I was, completely unable to follow my own advice.

I began to realize just how strongly our formative beliefs influence our actions, beating out our wisdom and even our desires. And I began to see how, unless we make a conscious effort to undo those beliefs and replace them with more productive ones, their hold on us will remain.

We ended up buying the house, and it was one of the best decisions we ever made. The garden became a great source of joy and inspiration. The feeling of being constantly connected to nature and actively helping things grow enriches the soul in a way that has to be experienced to be understood.

As I’ve learned to spend consciously and see that I’m still ok, I’ve realized that I can lessen the grip my childhood beliefs had on me.

And while I’m grateful that my father was so careful to provide me with a secure upbringing, I’m even more grateful that I have the opportunity to expand this definition of safety that I inherited, so that it includes spending and giving money in moderation on things that bring me joy.