Anyone who’s ever been in a long-term relationship knows that money can be one of the biggest sources of tension (and not the good kind!) between you and your partner. 

The New York Times reports that financial disagreements are the most likely indicator of impending divorce—more than affairs and, sadly, even domestic abuse. 

Throughout my 30 years as a financial advisor, I’ve seen how money can become a source of contention between otherwise perfectly happy couples. 

Who decides if we splurge on a 5 star restaurant or just go out for pizza? And, who pays the check? Should my spouse get to take a more expensive solo vacation than I took? Should I divulge that large purchase I never told them about? Can I let my friend pay for our ski vacation without inviting my partner’s jealousy? How do I trust our marriage when I want to save and my spouse wants to spend?

My clients have often told me they handle money differently from their spouse and, of course, the one doing the telling always believes their way of handling money is better.

How would your relationship change if you felt like money could be a source of the good kind of tension between you and your significant other?

Would you be happier? Would you trust each other more? Would it feel again like the early days of your relationship where everything was easy and free?

The Perfect Valentine’s Present: The Gift of Attention

Why do so many of us believe that money and relationships should be kept separate? Even in cases where discussing money with our partners could make the difference between breaking up and staying together?

Valentine’s Day is a day when many couples would like to stay as far away from the subject of money as possible (unless it’s thinking of fun ways to spend it!). But what if honest, vulnerable money discussions could actually be a way of creating greater closeness with your significant other? 

This is a radical idea, but one I tell my clients all the time when they’re having money troubles with their partners - having open and vulnerable money discussions can enrich our relationships and even bring us closer together. 

Here’s another radical idea - what if this Valentine’s Day, instead of spending money, we gave our significant others a different kind of gift - our undivided attention to learn how they see and feel about money?

You may think this is an impossible task, something that might inadvertently hurt your relationship instead of helping it, but I assure you that it’s possible to maintain love and harmony when money is in-play. 

Five Steps to Better Money Conversations

Here are five tips to have better money conversations with your significant other…guaranteed to either keep or raise the intimacy:

1. Listen - Ask about each other’s money stories from childhood. Start to understand that how your spouse spends, saves, invests, or gives today has so much to do with the beliefs they inherited as a child. For example, if you’re resentful about how little your spouse spends on your birthday gift, you might discover that they inherited an irrational belief that disaster can strike at any moment. With that belief in place, your spouse might actually feel terror when spending money. 
2. Compassion - Once you understand the underlying inherited beliefs of your partner, you’ll have more compassion for their financial actions. You might also begin to see the benefit of your partner’s tendencies. For example, if your spouse likes to spend, you’re more likely to enjoy life than if you lived alone or married someone frugal like yourself. Opposites attract, at times, for healthy reasons. Embrace it.
3. Role reversal - If you have a disagreement, agree to reverse roles and argue for the other person’s viewpoint. You’ll have fun and you’ll better understand your partner’s position. Here’s a secret: once you have more compassion for your partner’s spending habits, they’re likely to move towards moderation even if their overspending or underspending leans toward the extreme. When we feel seen and loved, we have less incentive to act out unhealthy behaviors.
4. Know your numbers - Instead of fighting over large purchases, know how much you can safely spend and whether the item you want to buy fits into that spending range. If you can truly afford it, you might ask: Why am I still feeling anxiety and how do I calm it down?. Perhaps, there’s a fixed belief from childhood that’s keeping you stuck in worry. If the numbers reveal that you can’t afford the item, you can work together to find a way to spend less next year to make-up for the purchase this year. It might be helpful to talk with an independent advisor to get a clearer sense of your numbers.
5. Establish three accounts - My own, my spouse’s, and our’s. Use your own account for that solo vacation, for example, as well as for buying birthday gifts for each other. Let your spouse have the freedom to spend money in their account any way they wish. And always discuss beforehand any purchases that need to be made from the joint account so you feel connected and safe with each other. Trust breeds intimacy.

The advice for discussing money with your significant other applies to others in your social circle too.

Friendships Deserve Attention Too

Open and honest money conversations have the power to improve our relationships with nearly everyone close to us.

If you’re having lunch with a friend or colleague, bring up who’s paying for lunch/dinner before going out or at the beginning of the meal so you don’t have to stress about it while you’re eating. And, if you can’t afford to pay for both of you, say something like: I’d love to pay for your dinner, but my money is fully committed, or I’d love to have dinner with you, but my budget allows for 1 star, not 5 star restaurants.

If you get invited on a ski vacation or to dinner and feel funny accepting the gift from another, say so. Then ask yourself if your friend is offering to pay because they want to spend time with you or because they’re expecting something in return? If you feel weak for accepting their gift, remember that everything is impermanent and you never know, you could be the one treating your friend five years from today. Further, you are letting your friend be generous and generosity is a doorway to happiness. So, you’re both benefiting from this arrangement. 

The Best Valentine’s gift to your sweetheart, friend, sibling, colleague? Attention!

As we learned from the movie, Social Dilemma, attention is like a rare and precious gemstone that’s becoming rarer everyday. So, instead of buying the expensive wine or gold necklace, what about doing a meditation (such as the Enough Practice) to cleanse your mind of distractions so you can show more presence and attention than you’ve ever shared with anyone? Does anything feel as good as the full attention of a friend or lover? It’s the equivalent of the five-carat diamond in our attention deficit world. 

Have fun and keep the finances healthy on Valentine’s Day!